My experience as a perimenopausal woman and the ADHD burnout cycle.
I have always enjoyed writing. I never thought I was particularly good at it. In fact, I think my ADHD makes me pretty bad at it. But, I have always felt joy and peace when writing my thoughts and ideas.
However, the topic of my writing has always been a challenge. They say “write what you know”, so I would write about marketing related topics, which is fun, but also feels like work. For the ADHD brain, when something novel feels like work, it looses all its sparkle and appeal. It’s tough to write as a hobby about what you do in your everyday job. So, I have abandoned that idea long ago.
Instead, I will write with an intention for peace. The topic will be whatever leads me towards a sense of serenity.
I find it difficult to publish anything personal as I am a private person. You won’t see me share any of this on social media, but I feel Medium is a place to freely share experiences with a community that isn’t sharing content for likes or influence. So, here it goes…
Currently, I am on a one-week mental health break from work. I took this time off because I was feeling incredibly burned out from a very demanding (albeit, amazing) job and the stress of raising a teenager with complex mental health challenges, plus the ever-changing rollercoaster of hormones in my perimenopause phase of life. I am sure the fact that January and February are the two darkest months of the year are having an affect on my own mental health (as well as my kid’s). In the past weeks, I have experienced days of low depression and high anxiety.
The burnout cycle of someone living with ADHD is common and often unrecognized while you’re in the middle of it. As I reflect on my life, I now see the pattern that has managed to turn my life upside down more than once. My intention is to better understand myself, my needs, and the needs of those I love so I can one day look back on this life and be proud of all that I have accomplish, overcome, and built.
Step 1 on this mission: Understand the ADHD burnout cycle and take steps to better position myself when this cycle start to creep into a downwards spiral.
The burnout cycle of an ADHD’er looks something like this:
- High energy: Taking on new tasks with enthusiasm
- Overwhelm: Feeling overwhelmed by responsibilities and sensory input
- Unhealthy coping: Using unhealthy methods to deal with stress, such as overworking or neglecting self-care
- Exhaustion: Feeling mentally and physically exhausted
- Recovery: Taking a break or withdrawing to recover
- Restart: Regaining some energy and starting the cycle again
(copy and pasted that from AI google — what a neat tool that is!)
Let’s reflect on my experience of each step….
High energy — For the past nearly three years, I have been motivated and enthusiastic about my newfound career in real estate development sales and marketing. The job I landed and the company I came across through a friend of a friend are beyond what I could have imagined for myself. I love the team, the tasks, the challenges and the rapid growth of the company itself. With that, I have managed to climbed up the ladder into managerial roles that have been offered to me due to my dedication and hard work. It’s been a true joy finding my super powers in this industry and feeling appreciated and encouraged by an incredible team of individuals whom I respect deeply. I have thrown myself wholeheartedly into growing my career and it has been gratifying and without regret (all things that motivate the ADHD brain). But, it has been intense.
Overwhelm — Overwhelm set in for me in the early fall with a new school year starting, a child unable to participate in school the way they need to, new challenges and responsibilities at work with aggressive timelines, a busy social schedule and several out of town trips for work and pleasure. I am usually a very social person with my circle of friends, and after many weeks of feeling busy, I started to feel that my priorities were starting to slip. My kiddo stopped attending school regularly and I failed to see just how far they had fallen into depression. My social life declined because I found too many plans overwhelming and often wanted to just curl up and hibernate at home. I had no energy after fairly average work days and struggled to mentally disengage from work. If someone asked me how I was doing in casual conversation, I felt like such a Debbie-downer telling them how “busy” I was.
Unhealthy Coping — How did I cope with all these feelings of overwhelm? I avoided making plans with people or even participating in any activities during the week to conserve my energy. Ironically, by doing so, I probably depleted my energy even more. I avoided dealing head on with the challenges my teenager was experience or maybe subconsciously, I did not want to believe they were are dire as they are. I spent many weekends drinking excessively to avoid the feelings and thoughts, which resulted in perimenopausal hangovers that caused major anxiety and depression. By spending my days off in a drunk or hungover state, my household responsibilities started to slip and I found myself isolating myself more and more to “catch up” at home. I consumed cannabis regularly as a way to turn off the busy ADHD brain. Honestly though, those indica joints really saved me on some days from losing my mind. But, let’s be honest, it’s not sustainable and ultimately just masks the problem. A good joint also encouraged some serious doom scrolling sessions on social media, which we know is just bad for you in so many ways. I was a star at work because I had thrown myself into my job as a way to cope with this burn out. I thought, “if I can just get through these next few weeks.” Only to find another few weeks of sprinting were waiting on the other side.
Exhaustion — So tired. So so tired. Too tired to cook, so I spent a lot of money ordering in. I would spend half the day in bed and not feeling any sense of accomplishment on my days off. By the time it’s back to work, I was already feeling stressed at what I didn’t do over the weekend. Too tired to socialize or even leave the house, so, I spent a lot of time at home just trying to “rest”. However, so tired, that I was not sleeping. I would wake at 3–4am every morning and stay awake until 6–7am where I would fall back asleep and then wake up late and have to rush to get to work on time. Always feeling like I was too tired to attend to the needs of my child and myself. And, with that, came the feelings the immense guilt of not being able to be or do enough as a mother, partner, friend… I was losing hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Every problem I faced felt enormous and hopeless.
Recovery — Where I am now. I recognized that I was not doing ok. My kid was not doing ok. We were adjusting to my partner’s new job, which is a 2 weeks on, 1 week off shift rotation of out of town work. While he is gone, I have 2 dogs (one 18 month old bulldog that has needs like a human toddler and a pretty easy-going papillon who loves to pee in the house still) and a cat and a child with mental health challenges. Part of me says “why do you do this to yourself?” while the other part of me says “I wouldn’t change any of it for the world”. All of these souls have a special role in my life. I say this as I feel the warmth of Brutus (the bulldog) on my leg and listen to soothing snore next to me. Being home with all of them has been healing.
During this week, I realized that I am awful at relaxing, and I beleive that is part of the ADHD burnout cycle. In fact, I get anxious the moment I don’t have something pressing to do, eventhough, there is lots for me to do. I guess it’s a bit of the analysis paralysis which causes confusion and overwhelm. This is why I am such a good planner, planning helps me pre-decide before I have to so I know what needs to happen next.
This week I spend time dreaming with my partner (who I will refer to as Shawn moving forward), planning for our future together (we even opened a joint savings account which is a big move in our relationship!), supported each other through our stresses and worries, and just held space for each other. It was easy and lovely, to put it simply.
I didn’t over-fill my schedule but made room for a few important appointments like a psychiatrist and a counselling appointment for my kiddo. I reached out to a free resource for myself — a peer support for parents with children with mental health challenges. Her name is Sheila at FamilySmart, and our conversation was validating and helpful. What a blessing it has been to have all these resources available to us. I make a point to use one of the resources for myself and my kid once a month. The Foundry has been our saving-grace and I hope one day, once we get through this difficulate chapter of our lives, to host a fundraiser to donate to them to show our gratitude.
I also attempted to start an online school program for my teen, but unfortunately, it stirred up more anxiety for the both of us. But, we will try again and slow. The priority is their mental health. Other than that, I didn’t do much! After Shawn went back to work, I have been laying low and trying not to worry too much that I don’t really know what will happen next. I am giving myself permission not to have it all sorted out, instead allowing myself to take it day by day and find ways to inject some self-care into my life, without trying to go all-out which is our typical ADHD way (and often results in failure).
Slow and steady. Micro-improvements will win.
Restart — Here we go. This will be the part where I find my groove again. Honestly, just writing this all out has been helpful. I realize now what I have been experiencing is not unique to just me. It’s an ADHD response as well as a hormonal response. I can get through it by paying attention to these feelings and giving myself permission to experience them without guilt or shame.
Shawn and I have some exciting plans on the horizon, I am committed to not letting this unfortunate season in my life change our course. In the past, I have allowed it to take over and take its own course which has been regrettable. This time, I am pushing through it with the support of my partner, friends and family, and colleagues. I am excited about forging my own path with Shawn, listening to my child’s needs and being willing to take whatever action is necessary, continue to establish my career in a company that supports me and values me, and to keep learning about myself. I have all the resources I need to be successful. That is my favourite phrase, ever.
Hormonal Impact on ADHD
As a 42 year old woman, I am feeling the changes. Eek — hard to talk about that when I certainly don’t feel old. There are so many options for women to prevent aging (hormonally and physically) that it’s a bit overwhelming to wrap your brain around and it almost feels that at 40, we should look and feel 30. The hormonal changes really throw the ADHD symptoms into overdrive. The fact is, there isn’t a lot of studies on women’s hormonal health (surprise, surprise) in regards to perimenopause and menopause. However, it is known that perimenopause and menopause can have a profound effect on ADHD symptoms. Just when you think you have it all figured out, hormones enter the chat and all bets are off. More on this topic another time, too.
Hopeful
It is Saturday, February 22nd, 2025 and I am feeling hopeful that as the days get longer and the sun shines more often, we will find peace. As I started writing this piece, I had just one intention — find a sense of peace. I wrote the title “Writing for Peace” and I allowed my fingers to take care of the rest… funny how I truly do feel more at peace by journaling my experience. I will do my best to keep up with this practice and hope you can follow along and find something that resonance with you too.
I find in difficult times, you have to look for the little moments of joy. I leave you with some snaps of my little moments of joy from my past week.
xo,
L
